·  I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants

·  Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

·  All racists who are prepared to die for their country, why not now?

·  Drinking is the answer, I don't remember the question

·  Superman is a travestite

·  Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

·  Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question

·  Lower the age of puberty!

·  God bless Atheism

·  I drink to make other people interesting  

·  An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead

·  A miserable person is one who truly enjoys a fart but can't

·  Anarchists of the world, unite!

·  Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

·  Don't be open-minded, your brains might fall out

·  Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss

·  On the other hand, you have different fingers

·  Who laughs last, thinks the slowest

·  I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it

·  That money talks I don't deny... I just heard mine yell: Goodbye!!

·  I'm not a follower... I'm a leader with the same idea

·  First law of science: don't spit into the wind

·  I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member

·  If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

·  Sure, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E"

·  Men are like roses, you got to watch out for all the pricks

·  Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised

·  I don't hate you, I just need someone to take my anger out on

·  Whoever said nothing's impossible never tried to slam a revolving door

·  Haggis is a self cleaning meal. Leave it for a while and it will get up and walk away

·  Why is it that the most unattractive people in this world insist on being nudists?

·  I'm not a dumb blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!

·  If guys had their period, they'd probably brag about the size of our tampons

·  Fat people are harder to kidnap

·  If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to?

·  Fat Girls are like Mopeds: fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to catch you

·  If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten

·  I wear the pants in this house. My wife just tells me which pair to wear

·  We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture

·  Passwords are like underwear: change them often

·  Next time wave all your fingers at me!

·  When it comes to baldness, it's not about losing more hair, it's about getting more head

·  What do they call Bush his zipper? The "U.S. Open

·  Impotence: Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"

·  I like my steak so rare that when you poke it, it still says mooooo

·  Only in America do they buy a double cheese burger, large fries and a DIET COKE

·  Oh man this is crazy, I hope I didn't brain my damage

·  Time flies like the wind; fruit flies like bananas

·  If you dont like my driving, then stay off the sidewalk

·  After working here, I now realize that "Dilbert" is not a comic strip. It's a documentary

·  She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon